May 5, 2009

Ups and downs and April's finally over

Part of me keeps shouting inside that the reason I haven't posted lately is because April sucked.

But then that quieter, calmer part of me points out that April really didn't suck. Big parts of it were hugely, fantastically great. But just the last bit of April sucked, and it ruined the rest for me.

I got in a car accident last week (I'm ok), and I just dropped off my car at the body shop, so I am feeling depressed and cut off from the independence I'm used to. For the next ten days or so. It's exhausting just to think about the dance I'll have to do to deal with it, and all the other things I need to get done.

The ironic thing is that in the face of all that, otherwise I've been feeling really good. Reading and writing more, and knitting less, which I'm surprisingly ok with. Maybe the obsession is waning into a beloved hobby that I can stand to put down from time to time. Also, I've been doing lots of thinking and planning about what I want to actually do with my life. I'm feeling like I'm ready to start moving myself in some discernible direction, which is a truly refreshing feeling, after mostly doing nothing for a year (aside from that pesky day job, of course).

So I'm on the brink of finishing my forty-somethingth journal (honestly, I lost count awhile back. For all I know, I might be in the fifties by now), which always makes me feel good. Anticipation has always been one of my favorite things to feel. That's the real reason I love Christmas and birthday. It's the buildup, not the presents. So all those clean, white pages waiting to be filled give me a little thrill, and always have, and always will.

And two of the books I ordered when I got my tax return have arrived, just in time to make it that much harder to decide what I'll read next. Naturally. Such is my life. Earlier today, on my lunch break, I finished reading The Salmon of Doubt, which was wonderful, every bit of it.

I think my favorite part of the whole book was in his interview with the Onion, when he said "I think the idea of art kills creativity." I was thinking about that a lot this weekend. Boy-Creature and I went to New Orleans to visit my family and go to Jazz Fest. It was on my mind all weekend while I was wandering around booths filled with art and listening to these icons of music, all of them just doing what they do. I can't imagine that they think of it as this titanic, heavy, important thing that is required of their genius. It's just a thing they do. And it all becomes so much easier when you think of it that way. I've spent so much of the last year getting in my own way, and I want to stop. Just be creative instead of worrying about art. Just do stuff without thinking about it.

1 comment:

Lauren said...

I agree with your being creative instead of worrying about art sentiment. Good job! Stop getting in your own way. (And that was good for me too. I tend to do the same thing. Thanks!)

And how could April have sucked? You got to see me!!